I guess I have lessons In life tell me I need to think deeper about situationsthings are going to be better. I promise
People who can keep their cool when being told off or made fun of are not to be messed with
Can’t help it. I’ve lost what i had but trying get to get back is harder. Through the days it is harder to listen act and support...
It’s crazy how feelings can just rush back to you… like nothing ever changed. I loved once, and yet I still love. After all these years, I still love him. You all know what happened or you can just go back on my blog to know. I was hurt and I thought that time would heal everything. Do I hurt anymore? Yes, but the other feelings are stronger. I don’t like to live with hate and anger. But I would think that I would have lost the love for that man. He moved on… so why haven’t I? I thought I did, but now that I think about it… I haven’t at all. It’s all still there. Even after the years, the pain, and dating again… it is STILL THERE. He will always be in my heart. Regardless. I may be stupid for that, but I’d say that means I’m a stronger person.
well, time is flying by. I might be pregnant and the guy won’t be in my life. Child support it is. I’m super upset and hope I’m not, but the odds are against me. I don’t know what I’ll do, but abortion isn’t one of them. I will take full responsibility for my actions. I just hate that things have gone the way they have. Once I said I wouldn’t abort it, he flipped and now just doesn’t want anything to do with me. I feel neglected. I’m super nauseous and my hips and back are killing me. My thanksgiving has turned into hell.
I’ve been doing great. The cymbalta has been working pretty good and I was put on tramadol for the extra pain. I haven’t felt this good in years.
I am in a great mood, and I’m not even sure why lol. I hurt pretty bad and nothing good is really happening… but I’m happy. Maybe this is just a one day thing. Who knows. I finished my antibiotics yesterday and my throat is still swollen, but the white spots are about gone. And, the antibiotics will still be in my system for a few more days. So, hopefully this is the last of the strep! My fish got ick and now I’m down to two fish :/ it’s sad because I spent a good amount of money on these fish, and I actually enjoyed them lol. I guess I’ll wait until this treatment is completely over and get more.
Tomorrow I’ll be going on a date with a guy I’ve seen a couple times. He’s a bit older, but his personality is amazing. We click so well, and things are just going really good. I have no idea what is going to come out of it, but that’s part of the fun.
On Thursday I will be going home for the weekend. Well, I’ll be home and then I’m going to help them move some stuff to the new house 3 hours south of where they are now… So “home” is going to be a 6 hour drive after this weekend :/ kind of sucks because I was at the house for 10 years and that’s the longest I was ever at a house. But, I guess I’m never going back anyway. I’ll just be sleeping on a couch on visits :P
I thought I was getting over whatever I have a couple days ago.. But today my throat has been on fire and my joints are killing me. My right thigh has been cramped up for the past 2 days, and I don’t know why. It hurts so bad, like I pulled it (but I haven’t). I’m going to find a doctor and hopefully get in Thursday before my night class. Maybe I’ll talk to the doc about meds for my fibro. We will see. I’m so tired of being sick!!
Well, I’ve been sick for over a week now. It’s just some crappy cold. I got some sudafed and that didn’t work so I got some advil cold and sinus. It has helped a little bit. The main symptom is a major sinus headache and painfully swollen lymphnodes. Ugh. Hopefully I get over this soon. Having a weak immune system sucks…
So, I’m a pharmacy tech and this is about my 2nd week. I’m still getting used to everything… it is such a stressful job!! My knees and lower back are killing me right now! And, I have lost 6 pounds since i started because I can only fit in one meal a day. I rarely can eat in the mornings because i get nauseous and then I don’t get to eat until i get out of my 8 hour shifts. So, one meal it is… when I’m working. Then i barely eat anymore anyway. I just haven’t felt too great or I’m just too lazy lol.
AHH MY LEGS ARE THROBBING!!
There are three main men in my life. Two are exes and one is my current boyfriend. The two exes actually rank higher in my heart. That is probably a bad sign. Ex#1 was my first everything. And, I will always love him. He was amazing. There were a couple things that split us up. And a big pushy problem on his part.. I wasn’t ready for him. Thinking of it now, I feel like if we dated now we’d be perfect for each other. He has gotten more driven and serious and I have gotten to be a little more laid back and happy. Ex#2 is my ex-fiance. You all probably know enough about him. I don’t know where I stand with him. Oh, and both ex#1 and ex#2 have girlfriends… awesome right?! nope.
Now there’s my current boyfriend… He’s sweet and driven. He does great in school and already has his associates degree. He’s very quiet and I’m finding a good connection is kind of hard. Things are great but then they fade. I’m not sure how I’m feeling right now. We’ll see.
Guy drama is the worst drama, by the way!
I have a horrible knot in my neck, or whatever it is. I slept weird and now I’m paying for it. I can barely move my neck!! And I’m super stressed from work. UGH! Oh, and classes start up next week!!
My boyfriend stayed the past two nights. It was nice to have him around. He’s been more open and talkative so I’ve started liking him more. I started talking to my ex without wanting to hurt myself or him. It’s nice and I really miss him. I wish things could have gone as planned.. before I met my new boyfriend. Things could have been so much different and maybe I’d be happy. That is one thing I am not right now: Happy. I haven’t been paying much attention to myself.. just what needs to be done and what I can do to make others happy. And this new job has stressed me out enough so that I don’t have time to think about myself. But when I’m sitting here alone, I get to thinking. I have nothing that I’m looking forward to. But, when I talk to my ex I’m already a lot happier. I look forward to maybe seeing him again. This is sick. I shouldn’t be thinking that way. I have seen how my boyfriend looks at me and I can tell he has a lot of feelings for me. But I can’t love him, not yet. And that isn’t right.
On the other hand, I’m in a lot of pain. I have a major migraine right now. The pain is going down by neck :/ everything is very tender and I could feel it coming on yesterday. I think my boyfriend is scared of my “illness” and doesn’t know how to deal with it. He knows what I have because I discussed it in our class that we shared, but I don’t think he realizes how bad it can get. The day I’m having a bad day, he leaves to go back home. Even though I don’t work until tomorrow so we’d have another day together before classes start up and he leaves for school 3 hours away. This kind of stinks. My ex understood and took care of me. I feel like I take care of my boyfriend.
I miss you so much, and I can’t believe you are gone. Your daughter wants to contact me, the one I never met and didn’t even know about up until a year or two ago. I wish you never chose to leave forever. And, I wish you would have left something, a note… anything. I wish you could have been around more before you left everyone. You were my idol and I learned so many great things from you. To love life and not materials and appreciate the small things. I love you.
We didn’t get along until the past year. I hated you at times. I was dealing with depression since the fifth grade and you didn’t accept it until my senior year in high school. Do you remember yelling at me for being depressed in eighth grade? I do. But, now we see eye to eye a little better and I think of you as my friend. I love talking to you on the phone almost every day and hearing about things going on back home. You can be hilarious. I love you.
I tend to miss you the most. I learned so many things from you. And, you taught me to live my life. I was able to let loose and love myself again. You made me so happy. I wasn’t so stressed out and I felt that I would be okay someday - as long as I had you. I am more confident. But, I am also more afraid at the same time. I’m scared to love and I’m scared to trust. I don’t know what to do anymore now that you are not in my life, now that you are no longer mine. You cheated and our whole relationship was a game to you. We were engaged and it was all a lie. Some days I get so angry and I cry. I get back into my old destructive ways. And I tend to hate myself. I tend to hate that I couldn’t be the one for you. That I wasn’t good enough. but I need to stop thinking that way. Because… I love you.
You were strong. And, you knew what you wanted. New me is strong too, but fading slowly. My depression is suffocating me. I wish you would have made different decisions. Maybe not stayed with Jake for three years after the rape. Maybe not dated Jimmi. Maybe not been so self-conscious. You should have loved yourself. You were skinny enough. You were good enough. And you were beautiful.
There isn’t much to miss, but I miss the privacy and quiet life. I kind of miss driving far to get anywhere.
Where my independence truly started. Where I started my college career. Where I met Brian and where my life changed the most. I loved it there.
My boyfriend, Tyler:
Things are new, and I’m still wondering how I feel. Yes, you are perfect for me, I guess. You know what you want and you are doing well in school. You’re quiet - something I am not used to. You have a car and a wonderful mom. And you’re pretty damn attractive. I wonder why my feelings aren’t stronger. Shouldn’t they be? I stop myself from saying “I love you” because I think I would just be saying it out of habit. At this point, I’m usually saying that by now. But, I’m not feeling it. I’m scared that I will say it and not mean it. I don’t want to do that so someone because it hurts more than any pain.
The man next to me in bed:
This was Brian for a while. It felt perfect. I regret tearing myself away after getting hot because I miss the cuddling. Tyler turns away right away, so I feel closed off. And, when he’s not here I have no one. It is scary being alone. I hate sleeping here all alone. Brian was supposed to be there because this is our apartment still.
A hand to hold:
The best feeling ever. It’s funny how you can say that a person’s hand feels perfect… but I haven’t felt a hand in mine that felt weird.. they always feel like a perfect fit! So, I won’t be making that observation ever again.
Every Fibro Fighter understand this one. I barely remember these days… but every once and a while I feel pretty good. Never take these days for granted.
My stress and anxiety feel debilitating. They rule my world. And, I hate it. I want to feel in control of my feelings and fears. Just once I want to be completely confident and happy.
You wonder, how far can someone go with a game. You would never think a person would say “I love you” and not mean it.. but it happens every day… But to propose engagement and move forward with getting an apartment? Yes, that happens too. That happened to me. I never imagined someone would go that far with a game, and be that good at it for that long. It’s a lifestyle for them. I found all this out yesterday, and that was a punch in the stomach, for sure. But, now I can definitely say I am over that part of my life. I can now move on, because I know it all meant nothing. Nothing at all. I can start this new life with this new guy, and see where it takes me. My heart is tender, and my trust is beaten.. but it will eventually heal itself.
I got the Depo Shot for birth control yesterday, and now I’m in pain EVERYWHERE! Ugh. Must have triggered a Fibro Flare. It’s expected to hurt at the injection site, but everywhere? Oh well. At least in 6 days time I can’t get pregnant for a while :D
It’s hard to believe everything I have done in the past year. I never thought I’d be standing where I am now. A year ago, when I was getting ready for my move to Michigan for school, I was scared and excited. I was with my first true love, and things were rocky. But, I loved him with all my heart and wanted things to work out; regardless of distance. Well, that didn’t last long. After a couple weeks or so after I moved, I broke up with him. It wasn’t something I ever saw coming even if we were unstable to begin with. I slept with a guy I barely knew soon after that, and broke that off the next day. I felt gross, yes. During that time I met someone I would have never gone out with before. He was a stoner and didn’t seem to care about a thing. I stayed away, but eventually got drawn in. He became my fiance, and I was so happy. We never fought and lived together for a bit before he had to move back home a couple hours away. But, this time I was very confident in our relationship because it was so stable and hopeful. However, things took a drastic change when he cheated on me. It wasn’t some one night stand, but a full blown affair. I was devastated. I didn’t know what to do. I got weak and crawled to his feet where he denied me. That was a heavy blow. How could someone who believed they fucked up deny ME? I felt low, really low. The lowest I have ever felt. I felt like the scum of the earth, but why? I didn’t do anything wrong. I started picking up the pieces and moved on. Though, my heart was still his. I then met someone I thought would never look my way. A gorgeous, and driven man in one of my classes. And when I say gorgeous i mean when people meet him they give me a thumbs up lol. I am currently dating this guy, and I’m happy enough. I feel like I’m stuck. I moved away from him to go to another school because my last one didn’t have my new major. Now I’m in ANOTHER long distance relationship.. what is that? THREE! I don’t know what I’m thinking. I’m currently living alone in an apartment where my ex fiance is also on the lease. Yeah, that’s complicated and scary. We talk, and I still love him. You are probably wondering why I could love someone who could hurt me that bad and do the unforgivable… I couldn’t tell you why, but what I can tell you is that he made me the happiest person alive when we were together. I was able to spend every waking moment with him and be happy as can be. I would have said “I Do” in a heartbeat for that man. Yes, he threw that away. But, for now, he is a part of my life. Hopefully he doesn’t screw me over any more than he already has. Now, I’m with this new guy and things are very different. I’m used to the love at first kiss, head over heals in love, crazy romantic type of relationship. Yes, I get butterflies and get all giggly when he smiles at me… but it feels different. I don’t know if something is missing or if this is what a real relationship with a future is like… He is definitely husband a father material from what I can see.. but am I wanting that in the future? I guess this is the one relationship that I want to take slow and see how it goes. No rushing. It could also be because my heart is still with my ex. Maybe I’m being pulled in too many directions to know what I am truly feeling.
I have been so caught up in all of this that my Fibromyalgia has come second in my life. I have no time to pay attention to my pain and other symptoms. I don’t know if that is good, or bad at this point.
It has been a whirlwind of emotions and events the past few weeks. I don’t even know what to focus on anymore. My ex-fiance and I are talking and it is going ok. I am also talking to another ex that I haven’t talked to in like 10 months or so. That is also going good. I don’t understand what is going on with that picture lol.
On the other hand, my pain isn’t the greatest. My left leg and hip have been giving me problems. I can barely walk sometimes. I’m on my last weekend of work though, so hopefully that makes things better. I’m going CRAZY!
I’ve been working my ass off at work full time along with taking classes full time. I’m exhausted. I’m only in my second week of summer classes (out of 9). Ugh, I am not liking it at all! My feet hurt so bad, and I’m so tired. But, I still have a hard time falling asleep. I’ve also had a lot going on around me, so that doesn’t help too much with my stress. It is amazing how quickly things can change. And, I’ll be dealing with an even bigger change after these classes are over!